5 – Purple Punch

A mix of two classic strains, Larry OG and Grandaddy Purple, this tart indica will slow your reflexes to a standstill—giving you the perfect excuse for why you got absolutely owned in a single match of comp duo. Take one more hit and go to bed by 10:30. You’re washed.

4 – Bubba Kush

With a perfect mix of muscle relaxation and euphoria, this legendary strain delivers—unlike you when your teammates need you most. With tasting notes of chocolate and coffee on the exhale, you’ll feel tranquility throughout your body, giving up on the match with a couple minutes to go. There are still some Reese’s in the freezer and then it’s off to sleep.

3 – Granddaddy Purple

A quick-growing medicinal strain, Granddaddy Purple is a common choice to fight pain, stress, insomnia, appetite loss, and muscle spasms. But it’s no treatment for your total lack of commitment to League. Your default-car-using ass will get laughed off the pitch as usual, and while you won’t be able to hear it, just know your teammates will be screaming at their televisions halfway across the world.

2 – Grape Ape

Developed more recently in a laboratory setting, this complex, fruity variety is a feat of technical mastery, like those gorgeous aerials your opponents do over your head while you drive around looking for boost. Not that you’d know what to do with the boost anyway—you’ll whiff by the ball and land under the covers, out cold. You’ll need to rest up to do the same thing tomorrow.

1 – King Louis

Named for the French king who popularized wigs among men in Europe, King Louis is known for its piney taste and earthy smell. A little more energetic than the other indicas on this list, it’ll give you a little burst of giddiness when you luck into a goal in the first minute. Maybe I’m actually good at this game, you’ll think. Try to hold onto that feeling after your internet cuts out and you’re too high to reset your router. Tuck in with your phone on LTE, open up your ex’s Instagram page and call it a night. You’ve earned it.