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Vampire Requests Invite to Open Xbox Live Party

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enter, gamer, gaming, invitation, invite, party, vampire

FORKS, Wash. — Local vampiric gamer FaNg DaNKula was seen requesting an invite to an open Xbox Live Party in order to join it, as per the tradition that a vampire must be invited into a home to enter it.

“It’s never just a simple ‘invite pls,’ it’s always ‘it is not by my hand that I am unable to join thine party. I was trapped here by humans who didn’t even ask if I was finished with dinner’ or some garbage like that,” explained Damon Cullen-Helsing, who was playing Mortal Kombat when he received the request.. “I’m starting to think he just doesn’t want to play mirror matches with me. Or Dead by Daylight, which he says has an ‘offensive’ title. What a dick.”

This is not the first time that Cullen-Helsing has been called upon by FaNg DaNKula’s request for an invite. Cullen-Helsing, a member of the Mystic Falls Technical College’s Smash Bros. group, says DaNKula regularly trash-talks the group about their abilities in an attempt to receive an invite, but has yet to make an appearance to their open-to-the-public sessions.

“He’ll send me a Facebook message at like 3:00am, saying shit like ‘what is man, but a miserable pile of SDs lol,’ but then he’s never bothered to show up at the Stoker Center to actually compete,” Cullen-Helsing, a Simon main, added. “The only room that’s ever available to play in though is the solarium at like 2:00pm. Maybe that’s why.”

At press time, FaNg DaNKula was reportedly stressing out over not being able to game after his roommate got garlic all over his good Xbox elite controller.


Gamer Refers to Permanent Indent in Couch as ‘Gaming Nook’

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PENSACOLA, Fla. — Local gamer Floyd Hooper has begun using the phrase “gaming nook” to describe the deep valley in his couch where he sits while playing video games for roughly 16 hours per day.

“Yeah, that’s my cozy little nook over there, right next to the charcuterie board,” said Hooper, gesturing to a paper plate of warm salami and half-eaten slices of American cheese. “It’s where I like to curl up and spend my mornings, if I’m awake, and also my afternoons and evenings. I sleep there sometimes, too.”

Hooper explained that the gaming nook was his personal addition to the studio apartment, as a way to “spice up the place” and “make it his own.”

“The idea was to give myself a change of scenery throughout the day. I built the gaming nook, of course, and also the gaming chair, and the gaming bed. It took a lot of work in Destiny 2 before all three were complete,” he said, in reference to the sagging desk chair and hot, moist mattress. “I also try to spend at least an hour per day on the toilet. Just my way of staying active in these trying times.”

Hooper’s former roommate, Clara Rosen, confirmed it was not the first time he took on a home improvement project.

“We had this coffee table we got at Ikea, and I guess Floyd thought it was kind of boring to look at, so he gave it a ‘redesign’ by putting his feet up on it while playing Skyrim every day. Within a year, it had all kinds of ornate designs on the top, and some pretty deep cracks,” said Rosen, who described all their furniture as “unusable” by the time they moved out. “Really creative guy.”

At press time, Hooper had retreated to what he called the “weed smoking room,” which appeared to be the entire apartment.

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