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SAN FRANCISCO —  With aspirations to enter the mainstream and gain more lucrative advertisers, Twitch sent out a “fill in the blank” apology form to its top streamers in an effort to head off inevitable future controversies. This form was subsequently leaked to us and we are publishing it in full. 

TWITCH APOLOGY FORM

Dear [fandom], I am so sorry for saying the [first letter of slur only ***VERY IMPORTANT: IF UNSURE WHAT TO WRITE CONTACT TWITCH SUPPORT IMMEDIATELY***]-word during my stream on [date when incident occurred]. As you all know, what I said is not a reflection of who I am. I am [strong adjective] sorry I have hurt so many people. As you may or may not know, I have many [minority group disparaged] friends, value their culture. I also have a [relative (if none just make one up)] who is [minority group disparaged] so this issue is near and dear to my heart. 

[CIRCLE ALL THAT APPLY: Bigotry, Antisemitism, Racism, Sexism, Homophobia, Transphobia] are never OK and I apologize [adverb] for perpetuating those disgusting notions. This is only the first step in my road to being a better person, but today I am announcing I will be making a donation to [major sponsor’s favorite charity] and meeting with [most famous organization associated with disparaged minority group] to better understand where this prejudice inside me came from. 

I understand that having a large platform [****DON’T INCLUDE THIS NEXT PART, JUST INTERNALIZE IT****] means I, a digital feral child with bigotry tourettes, have unconscionable influence over a billion dollar corporation due to its income being entirely dependent on advertising revenue from reputable companies. Therefore, I need to be a good boy if I want to keep making money because my audience has molded my brain in such a way that I am in a state of permanent adolescence and thus cannot function outside of the internet. [CONTINUE HERE:] means I have a responsibility to all the kids who watch my streams and the wonderful companies that sponsor them. I promise that from now on, my channel will be a place that is welcoming to all, especially advertisers.

Much love,
[whatever your dumb-ass name is]

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