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Timmy and Tommy Nook Arrested for Insider Trading After Selling Turnips to Each Other


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NEW YORK — Timmy and Tommy Nook, owners and operators of Nook’s Cranny, were arrested for insider trading of turnips this past Thursday, according to the office of the United States Attorney of the Southern District of New York.

“This is an open and shut case. Timmy and Tommy Nook have shown unimaginable greed and a blatant disregard to those who have invested their life savings and retirements in the Stalk Market,” U.S. Attorney Mark Bernard said in a statement. “They also have exclusive access to information on turnip prices before and after noon every day of the week, except for Sunday, of course. They used this information for pure profit and they need to be punished to the fullest extent of the law.”

According to the indictment, Timmy and Tommy Nook, who control daily turnip prices, allegedly sold nearly 3 million bells’ worth of turnips to each other over the past fiscal year using funds laundered through Nook’s Cranny, the small business they own and operate together. The full financial records of their embezzlement were not made available to the public.

“It just got out of hand…hand!” said Tommy Nook, quickly followed by Timmy Nook repeating each word in a softer voice. “People would just waltz into our shop and say, ‘Turnip prices?’ And then we could just make up any number and everyone would just go along with it. Then we realized we could get in on the action…action!”

The arrest of the Nooks has only increased calls from the public to form a Consumer Turnip Protection Bureau to provide regulatory oversight to the Stalk Market, which operates without supervision on thousands of deserted islands without any recourse for those who lose their investments to random price fluctuations.

“Today they decided to close [Nook’s Cranny] for renovations with no notice, and I have a hundred turnips sitting on my floor,” said a local villager, using the ‘distress’ reaction he had just learned from his animal neighbor to emphasize the gravity of the situation. “What am I supposed to do with them now?”

At press time, the U.S. Attorney’s office has also charged Timmy and Tommy Nook with falsification of financial documents after it was revealed that their practice of buying literally any fruit or piece of furniture offered to them was actually not turning a profit.

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