SILENT HILL, Maine — The Silent Hill city council has decided that their numerous decaying schools and decrepit amusement parks will be reopened to the public amid fear of COVID-19.
“This reopening bodes well for the coming birth of our new savior,” said local cult leader Dahlia Gillespie, an elected official. “This panic will all be over very soon, and we shall all be granted the mask-less paradise we have sought. The path set out for us requires these places to have people within them. Without the horrible restrictions laid upon us, we will welcome a new paradise.”
The reopening will also grant many in the monster population re-entry into the workforce.
“I’m excited to be back on the ol’ stomping grounds,” said Gray Child, a monster who has been affected by the shut-downs. “Since this thing started I’ve been hurting for money, and spending all day here in my run-down, rusted apartment has driven me almost crazy! Also, without us, who’ll torment the various townspeople and troubled souls that wander into these desolate places?”
When asked about the safety issues reopening might have, Gillespie seemed confident about the well-being of the townspeople.
“This so-called plague provides only a false roadblock to the true goal of our town,” Gillespie, who has also recently been involved with the Q conspiracy, said. “Safety is truly given to the people that refuse the erroneous protection these masks give. Open your eyes, and see what is really happening here.” When questioned what was really happening here, Gillespie refused to answer.
The town itself has had a total of zero COVID cases. Some researchers claimed it was due to the thick fog that engulfed the town, slowing the airborne transmission. Others stated it was due to the fact that Silent Hill is not a real town but instead a manifestation of people’s inner sins.
Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!