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Samus Can’t Wait to Show Double Jump Off At High School Reunion


graduation, high school, metroid, nintendo, reunion, samus, upgrade

DULUTH, Minn. — A recent invitation to her 20 year high school reunion has Samus Aran, graduate of Howard Olson High School and star of the Metroid franchise, feeling excited about showing off the attributes and abilities she has gained in the subsequent decades following graduation. 

“Oh man, I was a real late bloomer,” said the famed intergalactic bounty hunter, who reportedly kept mostly to herself in high school. “But I feel like I’ve really found myself since we graduated. I started dressing better, I got some new arm cannons, and I added a full 30 feet to my vertical since I got cut from the JV basketball team. Can’t wait to show everyone how much I’ve changed!”

Many of Aran’s classmates were surprised to hear about her transformation, and welcomed seeing what has become of her. 

“Sure, I remember Mamus [sic],” said Brock Harbor, a classmate of Aran’s and all-star athlete. “Wasn’t she that chick that would just explore the whole school during lunch while everyone else ate in the cafeteria? Oh man, I wonder what ever happened to her. I heard a rumor that Tony saw her at a Speedway and she was using a Wave Beam and had gotten hot! That can’t be true, right?”

Grover Spunsley, long time vice principal of Howard Olson High School, was excited to have his school’s most famous alum return.

“We are so proud to welcome Samus back to Howard Olson High, and are thrilled that she has agreed to give a speech about reaching the heights she never was able to before,” he said. “I think I’m going to ask her if she can get up on the roof too and see what’s been making that terrible noise. I think those racoons are back!”

As of press time, Aran was panicking about seeing everyone from high school and had rolled herself up into a ball in the airport bathroom.

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