SEATTLE — In an effort to disrupt the stagnant industry, new startup company GamerTech has announced plans for a gaming chair that is not red and black.
“When I founded GamerTech last month, I set out to change the world,” said CEO Dale Custard in an impassioned speech. “We’re thinking different. We’re thinking big. That is why our new gaming chair comes in dozens of color schemes and none of them are red and black. Pre-order yours today and be a part of the colorful future we are going to create.”
“We will stop at nothing less than changing the world,” Custard explained to cheering fans. “Some of our chairs will be black and blue. Some of our chairs will be black and purple. But most importantly, some of our chairs will be entirely black. This is our promise to the gaming community.”
Following the press conference, consumer reactions to the atypical product were unanimously negative.
“How in the hell am I supposed to tell the gamers from the poseurs?” said Randy Butler, a lifelong gamer and skeptic of GamerTech’s new initiative. “Changing the red and black color scheme that identifies gamers would be like if America decided to make the stars and stripes different colors. You just can’t fuck with our history like that.”
“Everyone knows that black is cool because of how dark it is and red is also cool because it’s like fierce or whatever. It’s the blood color,” Butler continued. “Gamers will not stand for this crime against our chairs.”
Prompted by the outcry of disapproval, industry analyst Sarah Waters provided her own pessimistic evaluation of the announcement.
“The gamer comfort industry is stagnant, there’s no doubt about that,” Waters wrote in a blog post, “but a gaming chair that isn’t red and black? That’s clearly a step too far for consumers, and I honestly don’t know what GamerTech was thinking. Everyone knows how well gamers can see color and that is why I list this stock as an easy sell.”
Shortly after the public launch debacle, panicked GamerTech employees could be seen in local Sherwin-Williams stores buying out their supplies of red and black paint.
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