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crunch, developers, gabe newell, half life, portal, steam, valve

BELLEVUE, Wash. — According to anonymous sources within the company, employees at Valve Software have been working grueling 100-hour work weeks on absolutely nothing at all.

“It’s been like this for months now, if not years,” one employee said in an email. “I only see the inside of my apartment when I’m there to sleep. I spend almost every waking hour in front of my desk working at a breakneck pace to hit all my deadlines for producing nothing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of my work and I couldn’t ask for a more fulfilling job, but when I look back at all of the critically acclaimed nothing I’ve contributed to, I can’t help but wonder if the serious tolls on my mental and physical health were worth it.”

Valve, a company known for prestigious games like Half-Life 2 and Portal, has shifted a majority of its development resources into nothing during recent years. Many employees relate similar stories of being guilted into staying long past their scheduled shifts by strict management expecting to see more nothing.

“I used to work late into the night and through weekends, meticulously going over design documents and concept sketches to piece together the perfect layout for a Left 4 Dead 2 map, but that was a long time ago,” a Valve senior staffer said. “Now, I’m working late into the night and through weekends, meticulously going over not a single document of any kind to piece together literally nothing.”

When reached for a statement regarding the treatment of workers, Valve’s public relations team responded with an email, which was blank.

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