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Pope Heartbroken to Discover Church Is Evil in Most JRPGs

Tags

catholic, church, dragon quest, final fantasy, japanese, jrpg, roleplaying game

VATICAN CITY ā€” Following an announcement from Vatican officials that Pope Francis has started playing video games to pass time during quarantine, the Pope has become reportedly heartbroken to discover that the Church is the villain of most Japanese role-playing games.

ā€œI knew we had our critics, butā€¦ I didnā€™t think it was this bad,ā€ said Pope Francis in front of an audience of hundreds outside St. Peterā€™s Basilica, according to a Latin translator. ā€œI just wanted to run around with my virtual friends and save the world in Fire Emblem: Three Houses, so it just sucks that I canā€™t escape from this crap. It hurts. Thatā€™s really all I can say. It friggin hurts, man.ā€

According to various sources from within the Vatican, the Pope doesnā€™t know what to do with his time now that he feels that he canā€™t play JRPGs without feeling ā€œpersonally attacked.ā€

ā€œThe Pope wants escapism, just like the rest of us, so itā€™s not really fair that he canā€™t play his favorite genre of video games. Just the other day, I saw he tried to play Final Fantasy X, and just couldnā€™t bring himself to finish it,ā€ said a cardinal. ā€œThe Pope likes deep single player games with cool anime characters. Heā€™s not a social guy. He tried really hard to get into Among Us last fall, but people wouldnā€™t listen to him when he said someone was being sus. Itā€™s hard for him.ā€

After news broke of the Popeā€™s disappointment in the JRPG genre, Fire Emblem: Three Houses director Toshiyuki Kusakihara released a statement apologizing to the leader of the Catholic Church.

ā€œOhhhhh man, dude, Iā€™m so sorry, man,ā€ Kusakihara said in a statement to the press. ā€œHonestly, we were just kinda following the tropes, I didnā€™t think heā€™d actually see it or anything. I guess you shouldnā€™t talk shit behind someoneā€™s back if itā€™s not something you would say to their face. Next game, the Church is gonna be cool as hell. I have no idea who weā€™ll make the villains if we canā€™t, but fuck, I guess weā€™ll have to figure that out for the first time in decades.ā€

At press time, however, Pope Francis did praise the pro-Catholic Church message of JRPGs, which is that itā€™s OK to romance children.

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