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catholic, church, dragon quest, final fantasy, japanese, jrpg, roleplaying gameVATICAN CITY ā Following an announcement from Vatican officials that Pope Francis has started playing video games to pass time during quarantine, the Pope has become reportedly heartbroken to discover that the Church is the villain of most Japanese role-playing games.
āI knew we had our critics, butā¦ I didnāt think it was this bad,ā said Pope Francis in front of an audience of hundreds outside St. Peterās Basilica, according to a Latin translator. āI just wanted to run around with my virtual friends and save the world in Fire Emblem: Three Houses, so it just sucks that I canāt escape from this crap. It hurts. Thatās really all I can say. It friggin hurts, man.ā
According to various sources from within the Vatican, the Pope doesnāt know what to do with his time now that he feels that he canāt play JRPGs without feeling āpersonally attacked.ā
āThe Pope wants escapism, just like the rest of us, so itās not really fair that he canāt play his favorite genre of video games. Just the other day, I saw he tried to play Final Fantasy X, and just couldnāt bring himself to finish it,ā said a cardinal. āThe Pope likes deep single player games with cool anime characters. Heās not a social guy. He tried really hard to get into Among Us last fall, but people wouldnāt listen to him when he said someone was being sus. Itās hard for him.ā
After news broke of the Popeās disappointment in the JRPG genre, Fire Emblem: Three Houses director Toshiyuki Kusakihara released a statement apologizing to the leader of the Catholic Church.
āOhhhhh man, dude, Iām so sorry, man,ā Kusakihara said in a statement to the press. āHonestly, we were just kinda following the tropes, I didnāt think heād actually see it or anything. I guess you shouldnāt talk shit behind someoneās back if itās not something you would say to their face. Next game, the Church is gonna be cool as hell. I have no idea who weāll make the villains if we canāt, but fuck, I guess weāll have to figure that out for the first time in decades.ā
At press time, however, Pope Francis did praise the pro-Catholic Church message of JRPGs, which is that itās OK to romance children.
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