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brother, gamefreak, guest column, nintendo, pokemon

A lot of people don’t realize this, but if you think about it — and I mean really think about it — these Pokémon games are like super messed up. They’re dark. People seem to think that it’s just a game for babies, and I know I’ve teased you about it in the past myself, but I’ve been doing some research and it turns out that if you scratch the surface just a bit, you’ll find layer after layer of some frankly fucked up shit in those games.

And yes, I’m being serious this time! Forget about what I said about finding Mew under that truck. That’s just some dumb rumor from the internet that I told you to mess with you. But I’ve discovered some truly dark stuff this time. Like have you ever thought about how totally mega-fucked-up the whole premise of the game is? I mean, you’re literally running around making your pets fight each other to death. Oh sure, the game says they’re just fainting, but what do you think is going to happen when Charizard uses Flame Thrower on some fucking doofus twerp like Bellsprout? That little dude is totally dead for sure.

Oh yeah, and if you don’t believe me, then where do you think Ghost type Pokémon come from, bro? Ghost types are some of THE most fucked up Pokémon imaginable. Some of them are straight up dead people, like what the hell? Oh yeah, sure, I’m just gonna catch the restless soul of a dead child and put it in a plastic ball. And this is supposed to be a kid’s game? Maybe your character lies awake at night sometimes, wondering the same questions, like when that lost soul is going to finally come for revenge. Ghost trainers are metal as fuck, taming the forsaken dead of their world just to have a type advantage against Psychic.

And you know those legendary Pokémon? You think they’re cool, huh? Sure, if by ‘cool’ you mean a whole new level of fucked-up insanity. Sure, the first couple are a bunch of stupid elemental birds, but then they start getting to ones with full power over reality itself. Imagine some twelve-year-old with complete control over the entire space-time continuum because he threw a master ball at God himself? That’s some insane fucking shit. What would you do with that power? Would you remake the world in your own image? How do you know that’s not what’s already happened? You’re the center of the world, the Pokémon champion, and getting there was so easy even a kid could do it. Whether or not you believe it, you can’t deny it’s possible. So just be careful with those games, I don’t want you to go totally psycho and become a crazy serial killer or something.

Oh, and the cartoon? Don’t even get me started on the cartoon. You’re a total dweeb if you think Ash Ketchum ever woke up after he got struck by lightning on that bike.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!