Press "Enter" to skip to content

Paleontologists Find Evidence of Primal Rage Fighting Tournament


arcade, primal rage

STONEHENGE — A paleontological excavation has discovered that the long speculated Primal Rage dinosaur fighting tournaments were in fact a part of history. 

“This is incredible, just incredible,” said paleontologist Edward Lancaster. “For years, my Theory of Primal Rage, about an organized series of dinosaur fights that saw Earth’s mightiest creatures participating in bloody two out of three battles, made me the laughingstock of the scientific community. But this changes everything! Now that we can agree on its existence, we can discuss why and how these dinosaurs would travel all over the world to engage in this intense combat, often for the amusement of a dozen or so humans that were standing around.”  

In addition to various fossils and footprints that painted the picture of a series of consensual duels, other evidence discovered bolsters the theories that the dinosaur fighting ring was highly organized and not merely battles for survival. 

“It’s all there, every bit of it,” said Lauren Lancaster, Edward’s wife. “For years, my husband was mocked and shamed for proposing a theory that put forth an alternative history, one of individual dinosaurs putting their dukes up and just fucking going at it. Today’s discoveries of gathered crowds and fireball craters prove once and for all that he was right about these events, that they were essentially Street Fighter or Mortal Kombat, but with dinosaurs.”

When asked about the similarities between his theories and the 1994 fighting game Primal Rage, Lancaster warned that the two weren’t to be conflated. 

“Um, so I don’t know if you actually played the game or not,” he said. “But it was actually set in the post-apocalyptic future, as different beasts rose out of the earth’s crust in a fight for what was left of our planet. It’s not at all like what we’re talking about here.”

As of press time, Lancaster had put forth a new scientific theory that proposed the possibility that there was one ape mixed up with all of these dinosaurs for some reason.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!