April 4, 2021 Pope Francis to Hold 2021 Easter Vigil in Fortnite Pope Francis to Hold 2021 Easter Vigil in Fortnite VATICAN CITY — A spokesman from the Vatican announced today that Pope Francis would be holding this today’s Easter Vigil Mass exclusively in the video…
April 2, 2021 Embarrassed Ridley Assures Smash Player He’s Much Bigger Canonically Embarrassed Ridley Assures Smash Player He’s Much Bigger Canonically SCHENECTADY, N.Y. — Dragon-like space pirate and Super Smash Bros. Ultimate fighter Ridley assured a teary-eyed man controlling his moves at a local tournament today…
March 31, 2021 Report: Guy You’ve Never Heard of Is Creep Report: Guy You’ve Never Heard of Is Creep NEW YORK — Following accusations from several women, some supposedly famous guy you’re just learning about for the first time is a creep, a breaking…
March 28, 2021 Doomguy and Master Chief Embarrassed They Wore the Same Thing to the Office Doomguy and Master Chief Embarrassed They Wore the Same Thing to the Office REDMOND, Wash. — Following Microsoft’s acquisition of Bethesda, new co-workers Master Chief and Doomguy had an awkward first day at the office after realizing they…
March 27, 2021 Gamer Begins Wiki Deep Dive to Catch Up on Series Lore for Splatoon 3 Gamer Begins Wiki Deep Dive to Catch Up on Series Lore for Splatoon 3 CHICAGO — In anticipation of the upcoming 2022 release of Splatoon 3, first-time player Bryan Skritcherson has begun the long process of researching series lore.…
March 25, 2021 Increasingly Loud PS4 Sprouts Propeller and Flies Away Increasingly Loud PS4 Sprouts Propeller and Flies Away TUCSON, Ariz. — A seven year old PlayStation 4 that has been making more and more noise has reportedly grown a propeller and engine system…
March 23, 2021 Inside the Koopa Slaughterhouses That Fuel the Insatiable Kart Racing Industry Inside the Koopa Slaughterhouses That Fuel the Insatiable Kart Racing Industry MUSHROOM KINGDOM — A controversial new investigation into the supply chain buttressing the extremely popular sport of Kart Racing sparked outrage among fans and activists.…
March 22, 2021 Organizers of Martial Arts Tournament Didn’t Say Anything About a Fucking Bear Organizers of Martial Arts Tournament Didn’t Say Anything About a Fucking Bear TOKYO — A former MMA champion officially withdrew from an international martial arts competition yesterday after a brutal mauling from a Japanese brown bear. “I…
March 21, 2021 Frustrated Gamer Looks Up SparkNotes for ‘Disco Elysium’ Frustrated Gamer Looks Up SparkNotes for ‘Disco Elysium’ YOUNGSTOWN, Ohio — Irritated gamer Jack Dubbins recently decided to try and find the SparkNotes for the game Disco Elysium after playing for only five…
