September 29, 2020 Historically Shit-Sucking Gamer Thinks He’s Battle Royale God After Unknowingly Beating First Round of Bots Historically Shit-Sucking Gamer Thinks He’s Battle Royale God After Unknowingly Beating First Round of Bots GREENSBORO, N.C. — Local gamer Harry Olsen, who has sucked shit at every single video game he has ever played, is convinced that he is…
September 29, 2020 5 Reasons Why We Still Don’t Believe Those ‘3D Mario Collection’ Rumors 5 Reasons Why We Still Don’t Believe Those ‘3D Mario Collection’ Rumors By now you’ve seen the rumors: a collection of some of Mario’s greatest 3D adventures are supposedly going to be released on Switch. Well, if…
September 28, 2020 Betsy DeVos Calls for Public Schools to Be Defunded After Witnessing Rodney Mullen Do a 360 Kickflip Through Gymnasium Roof Betsy DeVos Calls for Public Schools to Be Defunded After Witnessing Rodney Mullen Do a 360 Kickflip Through Gymnasium Roof SCHOOL II — U.S. Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos demanded funding cuts after witnessing a professional skateboarder do a 360 kickflip into a high school…
September 28, 2020 New IT Guy Replaces All Network Passwords With Fun Little Puzzles for You to Solve New IT Guy Replaces All Network Passwords With Fun Little Puzzles for You to Solve PALO ALTO, Calif. — Medical corporate giant BioloGen is paving the way for network security by doing away with boring alphanumeric passwords and replacing them…
September 27, 2020 Conversation With White Relatives About Systematic Racism Needs More Dialogue Options Conversation With White Relatives About Systematic Racism Needs More Dialogue Options SARASOTA, Fla. — Local college student Sara Withers complained about a lack of good dialogue options when speaking to her parents about the continued oppression…
September 25, 2020 Grandma Playing Super Mario 64 Can’t Get Past Part Where You Endlessly Pull Mario’s Cute Little Cheeks Grandma Playing Super Mario 64 Can’t Get Past Part Where You Endlessly Pull Mario’s Cute Little Cheeks PEEKSKILL, N.Y. — Local grandma Meredith Blum has been stuck for two days on the opening screen of Super Mario 64, reportedly unable to complete…
September 25, 2020 Nintendo Direct Leaves Gamer Excited About 14 Games He Won’t Buy When They Come Out Nintendo Direct Leaves Gamer Excited About 14 Games He Won’t Buy When They Come Out TUCSON, Ariz. — A recent installment of Nintendo’s Direct series of videos showcasing upcoming software coming to their platform has one gamer particularly elated about…
September 24, 2020 Amazon’s Luna Threatens to Put Final Nail in Mom and Pop Cloud Based Gaming Services Amazon’s Luna Threatens to Put Final Nail in Mom and Pop Cloud Based Gaming Services SAND LAKE, Mich. — Amazon surprised the world today with its announcement of Luna, the cloud based gaming service expected to be the final blow…
September 24, 2020 Psychologists Warn 1 in 10 Crewmates Could Develop Impostor Syndrome Psychologists Warn 1 in 10 Crewmates Could Develop Impostor Syndrome NEW YORK — Researchers at Columbia University have published a paper which warns that roughly 10% of all spaceship crewmates could develop impostor syndrome. “It’s…
