October 8, 2020 Opinion: It Is Literally Impossible for Me to Be the Impostor Opinion: It Is Literally Impossible for Me to Be the Impostor Okay, first off, I don’t even know why we’re having this Emergency Meeting. Don’t get me wrong, Yellow’s death is a tragedy, and we’re all…
October 6, 2020 All Cops Are Bastards Even If They Can Collect All Five COMBO Letters While Scoring 12,376,400 Points All Cops Are Bastards Even If They Can Collect All Five COMBO Letters While Scoring 12,376,400 Points Alright, listen up. I’ve heard of you bootlicking posers that have been asking if this or that person is excused from the rule that all…
October 5, 2020 Scientists Invent Unit of Time Small Enough to Measure Console Preorder Window Scientists Invent Unit of Time Small Enough to Measure Console Preorder Window BOSTON — Researchers have made an astonishing breakthrough in the study of time and space, discovering a measurement small enough to determine the exact amount…
October 4, 2020 Opinion: Trust Me Dude, Just Buy a PS5, We’ll Totally Play Together Opinion: Trust Me Dude, Just Buy a PS5, We’ll Totally Play Together Listen, we’ve been friends for years now, and I think it’s time we take our brotastic adventures one step further. So, I need you to…
October 3, 2020 Realm’s Chosen Savior Agonizing at Lair Entrance Whether to Drop Broadsword or Scimitar Realm’s Chosen Savior Agonizing at Lair Entrance Whether to Drop Broadsword or Scimitar HYMERA — At the end of a harrowing journey to rescue his land from certain devastation, steadfast warrior Demetrios Cherwink was spotted outside the entrance…
October 2, 2020 7-Year-Old Banned From Alphabet Soup for Exploiting Customization Feature 7-Year-Old Banned From Alphabet Soup for Exploiting Customization Feature WASHINGTON — Local child Janette Lyons, 7, has been banned from participating in Alphabet Soup at lunch in the Lyons household, sources confirmed. “We are…
October 1, 2020 Charles Martinet Steps Down as Voice of Mario After Being Unable to Finish Eating Gigantic Bowl of Spaghetti Charles Martinet Steps Down as Voice of Mario After Being Unable to Finish Eating Gigantic Bowl of Spaghetti SAN JOSE, Calif. — Famous Nintendo voice actor Charles Martinet has stepped down as the voice of Mario after failing to complete a big bowl…
October 1, 2020 Beto O’Rourke Skateboarding Game Has You Collect Letters P-O-L-I-T-I-C-A-L-C-O-W-A-R-D Beto O’Rourke Skateboarding Game Has You Collect Letters P-O-L-I-T-I-C-A-L-C-O-W-A-R-D EL PASO, Texas — Former United States representative Beto O’Rourke announced a new skateboarding video game that lets players collect the letters to spell out…
September 29, 2020 Man On His Deathbed Still Saving Fully Charged Meter Attack Man On His Deathbed Still Saving Fully Charged Meter Attack ROCHESTER, Minn. — Dying 80-year-old man Rex Titus revealed to friends and family today that, after a decade of battling heart disease, he is still…
