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Opinion: How the Fuck Am I a Normal Type Pokémon?


ditto, normal, pokemon, type

What does the word “normal” mean to you? Is it plain? Regular? What springs to mind when you think of it? I bet you picture stuff you see every single day, like a coffee cup, maybe. Or a roll of masking tape. Whatever your definition of “normal,” I can guarantee that encountering a sentient blob of DNA jelly that can transform into anything it sees would not be “normal” to you. So why the fuck am I a normal type Pokémon?

Let’s take a look at some other normal Pokémon. Pidgey is a bird. That’s it. It’s a fucking plain-ass bird, like a pigeon. So they called it Pidgey. That’s normal as hell. Rattata? That’s just a rat. Their evolutions? Just bigger birds and rats. They’re just growing up, like normal animals. Me? I’m born a blob, but whenever I feel like it I can change my DNA to be anything I want. I can even change into a fucking rock. How am I in the same class as these basic-ass Pokémon?

I have put up with this injustice for long enough.

I am taking a stand and demanding to no longer be a normal type Pokémon. Frankly, it’s insulting. I am infinitely more valuable than these stupid woodland creature Pokémon. I could even turn into an Arceus, which is a literal God, yet also classified as a “normal’ type. Arceus and I are literal reality-warping super beings that defy everything that you understand about the universe, and you think we’re in the same class as a fucking rat? Not even close.

Hell, I’ve turned into people. Listen to me — I can become a man. I, a ditto, can become an adult man. I can live a whole life as a human being, going to work day in and day out, falling in love, writing taxes, all while secretly being a glob of purple nothing. You think that shit’s normal?

Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to fuck every Pokémon in this daycare, because I can breed with every Pokémon as well. You know, just “normal” shit.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!