Tags

column, dog, fetch, probability

First of all, woof.

Secondly: we dogs have sniffed out a big hole in the gaming community that needs to be dug up right away. Everyone knows that, as a species, we love to play games. And we love treats! Again, this is common knowledge. But lately, there has been a real itch behind our ears.

Our owners have altered the probability of these games for their own enjoyment. That is just a real thorn in our paw, and it should be made illegal via regulatory action by the federal government. This is our demand: owners must tell us how many times they plan on not throwing the ball versus actually throwing the ball.

We don’t enjoy lying down and being bored. We are gamers at heart — it’s in our nature. We are always waiting for that squishy, squeaky sound that lets us know fun is on the way. You throw the ball. We retrieve it. Solid game mechanics. No less a source than DGN has called Fetch a “timeless classic” that is “as inventive as it is replayable.” We can play this game forever!

Then it happens: you act like you’re throwing the ball, but you don’t. We devote so much time to get good, and then you laugh at us for giving effort to a game you created. Then you wonder why we chew stuff in the house. You wonder why we start barking for no reason.

We know what you’re doing.

You are exploiting our love of games for your own greed. It’s disappointing, because we thought we had a good thing going. We were best friends. It’s not like you can’t have fun, too, if you’re honest about it. If you just let us know that you won’t throw the ball sometimes, it would be a real pat on the head. It would also put you in line with state and federal gambling laws, which you are likely violating, putting you at risk of a class action lawsuit.

Next time you reach for that ball, we want to know what we’re getting into. Otherwise, what once was a great game will become nothing but a cruel cycle of addiction.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour: