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PNF-404 — Captain Olimar insisted to a group of red Pikmin today that they need not worry while trying to cross a river because they are all “virtually immune” to drowning.

“It’s the craziest thing! Scientists — all the scientists are saying this — they don’t even understand how — but it’s impossible for red Pikmin to drown in water. Impossible! So there’s just nothing to be afraid of at all, and everything is totally very good, because I’m a brilliant Captain, very good — much better than that crooked Captain Alph,” Olimar said to the Pikmin, standing in front of a rushing river. “So we’re going to open up the river for crossing. Many of you will die — but not, a lot, it’s very rare — if you do die, you very likely had diabetes or something very bad already — but it is what it is.”

Despite Olimar’s comments, many red Pikmin have been cautious to enter the river.

“I just watched like forty red Pikmin go into the water and drown. Why would it be impossible for us to drown? It makes no sense at all,” said one red Pikmin. “I get that we’re trying to rebuild Olimar’s ship, and that’s important, but can’t we just wait until we have the necessary materials to build a bridge? I don’t know… sometimes I wish we had a different Captain, but I didn’t get a say in the matter. I was just plucked into this life.”

Not all Pikmin in Olimar’s crew, however, have disagreed with his statements. Scores of blue Pikmin have come out in support of opening up the river for all to try to swim.

“If you’re too afraid to jump in some water, you’re a big fuckin’ baby,” said a blue Pikmin. “I have never once been afraid of jumping into water and I wouldn’t dare lose my freedom of Being Across The River just because some dumbasses think red or yellow Pikmin drown. Grow up! We need to stop whining about this baby shit and start facing the real issues in our society, like how we all need to be afraid of fire.”

At press time, after thousands of red Pikmin deaths, Olimar was able to cross the river and finally obtain the compelling cookie he saw.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master: