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Before one more of you idiots even asks me tonight, let me just set the record straight: no I am not dressed as the Joker for Halloween. I am a three-time Twisted Metal champion, and my culture is not your fucking costume. 

I’m sick of not getting the respect I deserve. Did you know my name’s not even Sweet Tooth? It’s Needles. Needles Kane. No one has called me Needles since the first adaptation of me and the boys’ exploits dropped in ‘95, though. And while I do appreciate the popularity, it’s hard not to be disturbed when none of your fans even know your name. Maybe I should fucking giggle more, I don’t know! 

Why does everyone love the Joker so damn much in the first place? That character went decades without a relevant film portrayal while I was shooting missiles at cars and rampaging all over the world. Where’s my following of goons? Oh, you inspired the criminal underworld of Gotham? Okay, cute, I knocked the fucking Eiffel Tower over. What else you got?

Do you remember that amazing part in The Dark Knight when Joker is in a big ass van with a rocket launcher and is blowing other vehicles up on the highway? Such a great sequence. My favorite part was how that is literally a scene from my daily life, you fucking hack.  

Also, why would I build such an elaborately incorrect Joker costume? People see a god damned burning flame on my head and think I’m playing comic book dress up. It’s madness. And I should know madness, my father drove Dark Tooth! Say, I didn’t see that new movie, was Joaquin Phoenix’s head on fire the whole time? Maybe I’m the huge asshole here. Oh, it wasn’t? Got ya. 

So for the first and last time this year, no, this is not my Halloween costume, and no I am not the stupid Joker. I’m going as The Big Lebowski this year.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!