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WASHINGTON — Confirming the inevitable circumstances that will eventually come to pass throughout our solar system, scientists at NASA headquarters confirmed in a press conference today that it will be impossible for humans to play Boktai: The Sun is in Your Hand for the Game Boy Advance after the Sun dies.

“We’ve known for a while that the Sun is expected to run out of hydrogen and helium in about 5 billion years, effectively wiping out all natural life on Earth,” said researcher Dr. Kelly Masterson, displaying a slideshow graphic illustrating how the absence of sunlight will impact crops, ecosystems, and special translucent Game Boy Advance cartridges equipped with light sensors. “What we’ve been able to confirm in addition to these facts is that the eventual absence of sunlight will also render copies of Boktai: The Sun is in Your Hand by Konami totally unplayable once players are unable to gather sunlight into Django’s Gun del Sol to kill the vampires in the game.”

Masterson noted with an air of humor that, although today’s humans won’t deal with this problem directly, this new information shows in vivid detail all of the ways the death of the sun will immediately impact life on Earth.

“Certainly, most humans will perish once the Sun dies, but the lucky ones who are able to burrow underground and subsist on heat from the Earth’s core will need a lot of video games to pass the time. We hope that our research will enable our descendants to prepare ahead of time and not be disappointed to discover that their Boktai cartridges are useless.”

At press time, Masterson concluded her presentation on a positive note, pointing out that the death of the Sun would not prevent gamers of the future from playing the Nintendo DS Boktai spin-off, Lunar Knights.

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