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Historically Shit-Sucking Gamer Swears ‘Valorant’ Is Going to Be Different


gamer, games, overwatch, riot, sucks shit, valorant

GREENSBORO, N.C. — Local gamer Harry Olsen, who has sucked shit at every single video game he has ever played, swears he is going to get “really good” at the upcoming 5v5 shooter Valorant from Riot Games.

Olsen insisted that, by getting in on the ground floor of the new game, he would be able to overcome his consistent history as a totally inept button-masher who couldn’t hit a brick wall with a shotgun at point-blank range.

“The problem is, I start playing new games too late. Everybody is already too good for me to learn all the little nuances,” said Olsen, 32, who has played hundreds of team multiplayer matches in other games and remained nothing but a burden on his squad. “This time, I’m getting in there early. It’s going to be a totally different ball game.”

Despite a long history of getting absolutely wrecked in such diverse titles as Call of Duty, Battlefield, Destiny, PUBG, FIFA, NBA2K, GTA Online, Red Dead Online, Forza, Mario Kart, Fortnite, Super Smash Bros., arcade games including NBA Showtime, Mortal Kombat, and NFL Blitz, and the board games Monopoly, Scrabble, Risk, Catan, Battleship, Clue, and checkers, Olsen feels that Valorant will finally be his time to shine.

“Gaming has always been more of a casual thing for me,” said Olsen, who has played several hours of video games nearly every day for 20 years. “I’ve got the raw talent, I just need to focus on the details and I’ll be able to play Valorant with the best of them.”

Olsen’s longtime friends and teammates expressed skepticism.

“I’ve been playing Overwatch with Harry for a couple years, and honestly, I’d rather be down a teammate than have my screen cluttered up with him running around shooting at nothing. I tried to convince him not to play Valorant, but I’m not having any luck,” said Carl Faulk, a mid-tier player who Olsen describes as “most incredible gamer” he has ever seen.

“I might just play Valorant with a new account and tell Harry I’m not playing,” said another squadmate, who insisted on anonymity. “I can’t take it anymore.”

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