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BUFFALO, N.Y. — Upon seeing the Nintendo Switch port of Dark Souls: Remastered in action, local gamer Ethan Bain, who hasn’t had a drink of water in the last seven days, complained that the framerate made him physically ill, witnesses said on Sunday.

“I’m just so used to the refresh rate on my monitors, which can easily handle the high FPS output of my PC’s GeForce RTX 2080 Ti,” Bain said, taking a large sip from a bottle of Dr. Pepper. “When I saw that Asylum Demon moving at such a chunky rate on the Switch, I almost threw up.”

Bain, whose Brita pitcher has gone untouched in his fridge for nine days, spoke at length about how much better it is to play games at 60 FPS or higher and explained why it’s important to have a powerful PC capable of producing reliably high framerates.

“I put so much time and money into my rig because I want to have the best gaming experience possible,” he said, licking his chapped lips with his tongue which was only slightly less dry. “Why would I torture myself with a subpar experience due to low framerate? Some people just need to be constantly reminded to invest in good equipment. Hang on, I’m just going to dim my lights a bit and grab some Advil. I’m still feeling the headache I got from looking at Dark Souls.”

As of press time, sources say that after lying down for a few minutes, Bain jolted up after remembering that he was overdue on replacing the water in his PC’s liquid cooling loop.

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