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Gamer Stealths Past Another Major Life Milestone


aging, milestone, stealth

INDIANAPOLIS — Local gamer Reggie Farenholt successfully applied decades of sneaking experience to stealth past the major life event of marriage, engaged sources confirmed.

“When I asked my lovely fiance to marry me, I knew I was going to be in for a challenge,” said prolific stealth gamer Reggie Farenholt, adjusting his grip on his controller to accommodate for his new engagement ring. “I’ve managed to avoid moving out of my parents’ house, establishing a career, and losing my virginity for decades, but I knew that avoiding marriage with my fiance would force me to push the limits of avoiding personal growth.”

Last year, Farenholt proposed to his girlfriend of nearly a decade, setting in motion a series of skillfully dodged planning and social events leading up to the chronically postponed wedding day.

“When Reggie asked me to marry him, I was ecstatic,” said Farenholt’s fiance Marissa Fernandez. “But I haven’t seen Reggie much at all since he replaced all notifications on his phone with the Metal Gear Solid enemy alert sound.”

In addition to these personal and relationship woes, Farenholt also currently faces a dubious legal challenge related to suspiciously altered marriage filings.

“Mr. Farenholt is currently a suspect for tampering with marriage documents,” said Marion County Police Spokesperson Amelia Fritz. “We have not managed to find footage of him entering the courthouse and replacing the certification stamp ink with a disappearing equivalent, but this reveals significant weaknesses in security due to camera blind-spots, easily distracted guards, and publicly accessible ventilation ducts that can somehow accommodate a fully grown adult.”

At press time, Farenholt was choking out a wedding officiant and muttering regrets about “opting for a non-lethal run” prior to his wedding ceremony.

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