ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — Local gamer Freddy Strickland has changed all the clocks in his apartment to early July in order to skip past the COVID-19 pandemic, according to confused sources.
“I get that people think the only real way to get through a pandemic is to just quarantine yourself and sit through it, but I just don’t have the patience. So I’m gonna go into the clocks and move the date forward until the event ends. I’ll shift the date back after, don’t worry,” Strickland said to befuddled roommates. “At the end of the day, life’s a single-player game. If you don’t like the way I play it, then you can just mind your own business and play your own life how you want to.”
Strickland’s roommates, a couple who live in the other bedroom of the apartment, tried to reason with him but were not successful.
“He’s been playing Animal Crossing all week and I think his brain is starting to merge the reality of his island with the reality we live in,” said Jasmine Palmer. “What I’m trying to say is that all the clocks in our apartment are fucked up now and you obviously can’t time travel in real life. But every time I say that to Freddy, he just tells me to let him play the game his own way.”
“That’s not even why I’m pissed off,” explained Mark Palmer, however. “If it did work — if you could really change all the clocks in the apartment to three months ahead of time so you could just skip the pandemic — it would affect the whole apartment! We would all have to move forward in time with him. We’re all residents of the same island, so to speak. So all his talk about single-player games is bullshit!”
“Yes, I get that it’s impossible to time travel,” he added, “but I’m getting really hung up on how rude even the proposition is.”
At press time, Strickland was seen holding up the line at a local Trader Joes’ after the cashier refused to buy back a box full of cherries he had purchased at a different store.
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