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Gamer Asks for Longer Haircut at Barber


GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Avid gamer Lyle Avett grew vocally frustrated earlier this afternoon after he was informed by a BoRics store employee that they would be unable to give him a longer hairstyle, according to those at the scene.

“Fucking bullshit,” said Avett, who had been hoping to convert his short and conventional Caeser cut into something more distinct. “I pointed to like three or four different styles in the book they had out in the waiting room, and this idiot couldn’t do any of them. The Blonde Afro, the Shaggy Dog, and Long Hair 3 — they couldn’t do a single one!”

Selena Pippen, the hairstylist tasked with explaining the logistics of hair to Avett, reported that the process proved very difficult.

“He seemed confused as to what I was capable of as a barber,” she said. “He requested everything from a beard to a different head shape while he was here. The only way I could get him to back down was to just start saying that the things he was asking for cost a ton of money. It got easier after that.”

Many sociologists have posited theories that gamers have had their senses of reality warped by their hobby of choice.

“Forget those arguments that they were turning kids violent, that’s clearly nonsense,” said Dr. Pat Hayes, whose debut book Hamburgers Won’t Heal You: A Gamer’s Strategy Guide for the Real World was released last month. “What is obviously happening, though, is that more and more kids are growing up thinking you can purchase any haircut you want at a barbershop, carry abnormal amounts of items easily, or that stick shift cars only have two gears.”

As of press time, Avett was reportedly unhappy with the buzz cut he ultimately purchased, and was asking for his previous hairstyle to be restored.

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