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BROOKLYN, N.Y. — After winning a 150 CC race of Mario Kart 8 online, Justin Cordroy felt his heart flutter a tiny bit more when he saw all his competitors were sporting Japanese names and flags. 

“Of course Japanese people aren’t inherently better at Mario Kart and it would be super wrong of me to assume someone’s skill level just because of their race,” Cordroy said in stilted sentences that betrayed his nervousness about discussing the subject. “I just… you know, statistically… because they have those tournaments, I think… OK wait, actually I’m just a racist.”

“But fuck you if you don’t feel a sense of American pride when you beat a Korean guy in Star Craft and OK OK I’m definitely seeing how I’m a racist now, it’s kind of just pouring out,” Cordroy continued. “I really have to stop playing Terran.”