YOUNGSTOWN, Ohio — Irritated gamer Jack Dubbins recently decided to try and find the SparkNotes for the game Disco Elysium after playing for only five minutes, according to frustrated sources.
“Everyone was talking about this game on Twitter. They all said it was amazing and changed what games could be. I was so ready for some intense action, only to boot up the game and find myself transported back to my high school English class reading War and Peace,” said Dubbins, who also failed to complete both Red Dead Redemption games, every entry in the Bioshock series, Breath of the Wild, and A Short Hike. “Like, c’mon! I want to play a game! Not expand my mind with deep themes or metaphors.”
This exasperation eventually led Dubbins to search online for a summary of the plot.
“Since middle school, I have not finished an assigned reading. SparkNotes allowed me to barely pass English,” Dubbins said. “So I figured since this game is like a literary masterpiece or whatever, there had to be SparkNotes. I’ve been looking all over the internet for them.”
A close friend of Dubbins expressed shock and confusion about his desire to play the game.
“Isn’t Disco Elysium’s whole thing that it’s like a book?” said Hannah Graves, who attended high school with Dubbins. “I actually do not understand what made Jack so ready to take the plunge into this game. We’re talking about a guy who used to refuse to read what the teacher wrote on the chalkboard. He always made me sum it up for him.”
Dubbins was unable to find any SparkNotes regarding the game, and instead opted to play a different game that he was sure was more his speed, Planescape Torment.