Tags

$70, AAA, dollars, triple A

WASHINGTON — Analysts warned today that we have reached a new apocalyptic crisis which even the worst models could not have predicted: video games that cost $70.

“People often say that they are worried about the coming video game price apocalypse, but what they don’t realize is that we’re already living it,” said Dr. Frederick Miles. “If you manage to avoid having to pay $70 for a video game, it’s not because you acted morally right, it was simply due to luck or because you are a member of the special class of elites who get to play games for free because you’re a journalist or know a guy at the company who gave you a code.”

Experts are warning that if we want to fight the coming $70 video game crisis, we need to act now.

“In many ways, it’s too late. We may never see a future where video game prices go back down to $60 or even $65, but if we fight like hell and push our representatives in Congress, we can work to keep those prices at just $70 for as long as we can,” said video game price activist Tyreese Davison. “If we let things continue, however, we may be looking at a world that is simply uninhabitable for the next generation of gamers. AAA games that cost $80 or even $81 are a possibility. Hell, we may even eventually see $70 indie games on the market. And that’s just not livable.”

Progressive and gamer politicians are fighting for legislation to reduce the effects of $70 video games.

“We need to combat this as quickly as possible. That’s why I’m introducing a new bill called the Green Mario New Deal that fights this comprehensively,” said Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. “Other countries are dealing with these issues much better than ours. Gamers deserve to play a $60 video game on their Nintendo Switch on a high speed train instead of an airplane. Even on the other side of our border, Canada has already introduced Universal Basic Gamer Income to help people pay for increasingly expensive AAA games. But we need to act now as a country, and we need to work with other governments to combat this global issue of $70 video games.”

At press time, a California video game publisher tried to release a new first person shooter title for $75, causing a massive forest fire that is currently engulfing the state.

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