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assist, call of duty, soldier

URZIKSTAN — Coalition forces suffered heavy losses in a battle against local insurgent militias today, with SAS close-quarter combat specialist Sergeant Philip “Pip” Johnson being shot 48 times in the chest, extremities, face, and belly. However, the operator was reportedly psyched that he got an assist for shooting an enemy in the foot.

 “It was the rush of a lifetime — a lifetime which is quickly coming to an end,” Johnson said with his dying breaths. “I rounded a corner and saw an enemy standing there, so I unloaded my Glock’s entire 17-round magazine at him. One of the shots clipped his foot a little bit, and he even winced! Kind of makes this all sting a little less.” 

The insurgent returned fire, causing such devastation to Johnson’s body that he would have needed to be identified with dental records had reporters not surrounded him in his final moments. Johnson’s squadmates then eliminated the threat with several grenades before the shooter could escape.

 “Well, yes, they were the ones who actually killed the target. There is no denying that. But any damage done to an enemy who dies counts as an assist,” Johnson said with a smile on his barely-there face while trying to keep his intestines from poking out of his open wounds. “I definitely slowed him down. Tell my family I died a hero. Or at least an okay squadmate.”

Johnson succumbed to his wounds shortly thereafter. Friends and family have reported that he certainly would have been thrilled with his posthumous award of 26 points for his assist on the battlefield.

“Oh yeah, Pip would have loved that,” said his father, Norman Johnson. “He was always saying in his letters home that he wished he was getting more kills out there, but that assists can be satisfying, too. Knowing you’re making a difference and all that. He was hoping that if he strung enough assists, revives, and flag returns together he might get a promotion soon.”

As per Johnsons final wishes, his equipment and items of clothing were distributed evenly amongst the rest of his platoon.

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