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Diddy Kong Accused of Using System of Barrels to Skip First Two Years of College


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EAST LANSING, Mich. — Diddy Kong is the latest celebrity to stand accused of using his celebrity status to bypass the rigors of higher education, with allegations being made that a series of automated barrels shot him through the majority of the first two years of his studies at Michigan State University. 

“This is such bullshit,” said Ariella Kearns, a journalism student also studying at Michigan State. “I am out here busting my ass, working nights, then staying up studying, just to try and compete with the sons and daughters of celebrities who get actual networks of barrels constructed so that they may get shot out of class as soon as attendance is marked. A full ride plus a full ride, how is that fair?”

The case follows several high profile cases of celebrities using bribery and corrupt admissions processes to secure preferential treatment for their children, including Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin. 

“The rumors are true, and yes, I spent my freshman and sophomore years being heavily assisted by barrels shooting me all over campus,” said Diddy Kong, who made the dean’s list every semester of his first two years of enrollment. “While I thought I was taking a shortcut and cheating the system, I realize now that I was merely cheating myself. I apologize, and insist that I will do better and live up to the Kong name established by my grandfather Cranky, and my father, Donkey.” 

Many students don’t blame the young primate for taking advantage of the systematic exploitation offered to him by his celebrity status. 

“Yeah, it sucks a little,” said Gregory Lu, another Michigan State student. “But, like, I would definitely not say no to my own system of barrels. I figure, this little dude has no shot at a normal life, so why should I get mad if he wants a little privacy while navigating an overly complicated college campus? Hell, we should all have barrels for what we pay. Diddy Kong is not the problem, it’s this whole goddamned system!”

As of press time, the Ice Climbers are under a similar investigation after it was discovered that they both received scholarships despite only turning in one SAT test between them.

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