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MIAMI — Burger King announced a new variation on their signature cheeseburger this morning that will reportedly cure some, but not all, of your current ailments. 

“This new Whopper that heals you a little bit is going to revolutionize the fast-food industry,” said Daniel S. Schwartz, CEO of Burger King. “We’ve been doing some experimenting with our burgers the last few years, first the Halloween one, and then Impossible Whopper, but those steps forward pale in comparison to a sandwich that actually restores some of your energy after a long day of work.”

The new menu item, simply referred to as the Standard Whopper Cheeseburger, was rolled out in a few trial markets earlier in the year. Positive feedback from skeptical customers inspired the chain to roll out the addition to all of it’s over 13,000 restaurants as quickly as possible. 

“It sounded like complete bullshit to me,” said Parker Webber, a Fort Wayne, Indiana resident, one of several cities the therapeutic Whopper was tested in. “Hamburgers won’t heal you, that’s ridiculous. Or so I thought. I had one of those bad boys, and not only was it delicious, but I swear to god it woke me up and I felt like I had just had a massage. Best burger I ever had in my life, easily.” 

Though the new sandwich is a trailblazing bit of ingenuity, engineers at Burger King say this is just the first of what will be a series of restorative hamburgers. 

“The Standard Whopper Cheeseburger is just the beginning,” said Tracy Platt, head of ground beef research and development at Burger King. “Soon we will introduce the Standard Whopper Cheeseburger (Large), which will actually be able to stop bleeding from small lacerations. We have others coming that will help with things like runny noses and poison damage, as well as a new brand of Mountain Dew that will enable you to climb stuff really well for a few minutes.”   

The Standard Whopper Cheeseburger will be available at all Burger King locations next week, at a rumored cost of fifty dollars. 

UPDATE: In response to Burger King’s new Standard Whopper Cheeseburger, McDonalds has announced that every value meal at its restaurants will now include a free shield. 

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