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Anti-Vax Gamer Receives Exclusive Early Access to Measles


antivax, measles, vaccines

WINTER PARK, Fla. — Dylan Kirkpatrick, an avid gamer and anti-vaxxer, was thrilled to discover this week that he had been granted early access to one of the year’s most exclusive diseases: measles.

“Once I realized that what I had contracted wasn’t any ordinary rash, but actually turned out to be the measles beta, I was really pumped,” said Kirkpatrick, coughing. “I love a good challenge, as long as it’s not too intense, like Dark Souls or autism, which is absolutely caused by vaccines.”

Although he had only been exhibiting symptoms for a few days, Kirkpatrick was already impressed by measles’s core mechanics.

“This cough is the driest cough I’ve ever had, and something you wouldn’t expect with a skin disease. The runny nose is runny, but doesn’t draw attention from the rest of the symptoms. The sore throat explores soreness in a way I’d never felt before,” rasped Kirkpatrick. “I’m almost speechless.”

Kirkpatrick also praised the infectious disease’s unique progression options.

“People infected with ‘vanilla’ measles often pick up other diseases in the same session — which can all stack together for a multiplier effect — depending on their immune-style,” Kirkpatrick explained. “I went with the bacterial ear infection path, but I hear the pneumonia and bronchitis trees are pretty intense.”

“Some people even go with encephalitis, which I hear has some really punishing DPS.”

Kirkpatrick said that measles had the potential to be the next big gaming craze.

“My top fever was 102°F, but you just know once more kids get into measles, they’ll be posting up numbers like 104°F, 105°F,” Kirkpatrick laughed. “Every kid in school will have to get it. I’m sure you’ll see a mechanic like this in Fortnite before long as they try to keep up.”

Before collapsing from pain, Kirkpatrick said he couldn’t wait to share measles with all of his anti-vaxxer friends, since he has an unlimited number of invites to sign others up for the beta.

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