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Agent 47 Grateful All of Humanity Wears a 34” Inseam


agent 47, clothes, hitman

ICA FACILITY (LOCATION UNKNOWN) — Agent 47, professional assassin, expressed great relief today at the cold hard fact that every man on earth shares the same pants size, according to those familiar with the situation. 

“Yeah, it just makes my job and life so much easier,” said Agent 47. “My line of work requires knocking out all kinds of people. Bodyguards, IT guys, professional models… you just never know. It’s great that no matter whose body I am dumping into a ravine, their jeans are gonna fit like a glove. A bloody glove” 

As everyone knows, men are born into this world at a spry 6 feet, 2 inches with broad shoulders and an athletic build and they remain this until the day they die — often at the hand of a highly trained paid assassin. This is just the way things are and always have been. However, Agent 47 told gathered reporters about a vision he had about a scary world where this isn’t the case. 

“I had this nightmare the other day that really shook me to my core. Like what if people varied in size in shape. Even by like a foot or so. In the dream, I took out a guy on my way to kill a target and his pants didn’t fit! I woke in a cold sweat. Seriously. Imagine a pair of pants that didn’t reach your shoes or rather a pair that curled up around the ankles because they’re so long,” he said, visibly disturbed by the recollection of the dream. 

Sociologists have long toyed with similar thought experiments and how they might affect society as a whole. 

“For starters, department stores would be wildly different,” said John Tailor, Professor of Sociology at Arizona State University. “Instead of simply grabbing a pair of jeans from the jeans pile, one might envision a whole row of jeans. All labeled with different lengths and widths. The inventory management of these stores would be a mess and sometimes they may not even have your size! Truly frightening.”

At press time, Agent 47 tweeted how crazy it would be if people recognized each other by their faces and not simply by the clothes they were wearing.

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