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9 years old, child, e10+, krash bandicoot, rating

SAN DIEGO, Calif. — Local 9-year-old Simon Fisher is reportedly going out of his fucking mind right now imagining all the fucked up shit that must happen in the E10+ rated game Crash Bandicoot 4: It’s About Time.

“The minute I turn 10, I’m throwing that goddamn cartridge in my Switch and strapping in for the ride of my double-digit life,” Fisher said as he paced back and forth, hyperventilating at the thought of the game. “If I see Crash bop a little tiki guy on the head I’m going to fucking lose it, I swear to God.”

The E10+ rating, introduced by the ESRB in 2005, has long been seen as the last line of defense between the innocence of childhood and the absolute anarchy of Comic Mischief.

“We at the ESRB believe in giving parents the tools they need to make sure their kids are playing the games that are right for them,” ESRB Spokeswoman Juliet Perry said when asked for comment. “While we’d all love to drag those sick game developer freaks into the streets and hang them for crimes against humanity, our ratings are merely guidelines to help the consumer.”

Fisher remains absolutely fucking stoked to play Crash 4 next month after his birthday party at Laser Quest.

“My years playing games rated E for Everyone have taught me so many valuable life lessons, but there comes a time in every child’s life where he must put away childish things. The simplistic, black-and-white morality tales of Sackboy: A Big Adventure and LEGO The Incredibles don’t hold up in a world full of badass Alcohol References and Animated Blood.”

At press time, Fisher was staring wide-eyed at a copy of Super Mario 64 rated “Kids to Adults” trying to imagine what universal truths the game might hold.

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