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Magic Player Has Disgusting Pack-a-Day Habit


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BEAVERTON, Ore. — Friends and family of Magic: The Gathering enthusiast Gabe Roberts have said that the once-casual player has now become a full blown addict and has even picked up a disgusting pack-a-day habit.

“At first it was more of a social thing,” said Roberts’ mother, Linda, tying up a garbage bag filled to the brim with booster pack wrappers. “He’d get a handful of new cards when he was drafting with friends or if he was out drinking. Sometimes he would pick up a pack from the gas station if he was coming back from a stressful day at work. But now he’s consistently going through a pack every day, and I’m not sure if he can afford to keep living like this.”

But it’s not just Gabe’s wallet that’s in danger. Dr. Arnold Lyon, an expert in TCG-related illnesses, explained that there are all sorts of negative health effects associated with a regular Magic habit.

“On the physical side of things, a lot of patients suffer from what we call Pokémon wrist, a condition where the ligaments in the wrist deteriorate from tearing open too many packs,” explained Dr. Lyon. “It’s also linked to Black Lotus lung, an often terminal condition caused by inhaling vapors from wrapper glue. Black Lotus lung is an extremely rare, limited edition disease, but it’s still very dangerous.”

“There’s also a common psychological ailment we see in heavy users,” Dr. Lyon continued. “Many suffer from ‘Bolas’s Madness’ which is caused by opening too many bulk rares in a row. The main symptom exhibited by patients with Bolas’s Madness is an uncontrollable twitching and an urge to complain about the secondary market.”

Dr. Lyon believes that the government doesn’t do enough to regulate the sale of Magic cards, or to protect buyers. “In some parts of the world, they put the negative effects of Magic cards right on the packs. They should really do something like that in America.” 

At press time, Roberts was reportedly making progress in breaking his habit by switching from paper Magic to less harmful electronic alternatives such as Magic: The Gathering Arena.

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