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Stupidly Named Indie Game Would Have Brought You 300 Hours of Joy


SAN FRANCISCO 一 An indie game that critics have described as “an addictive combination of combat and charisma” and “the next closest thing to true love” failed to spark your interest today due to the fact that you were ultimately repulsed by the sheer stupidity of the game’s title, despite the fact that it would have reportedly provided you with over 300 hours of non-stop entertainment.

“Whoa, how did something with a dumb name like that get a 97 on Metacritic?” you reportedly exclaimed to no one in particular, while your cursor hovered over the “Add to Cart” button before darting away as your brain struggled with a series of incoherent nouns. “What does that even mean? I don’t have enough time in the day to play some stupid shit like this.”

The indie game in question, BackZone Cyberfront; Scalawags for Susan, has received overwhelmingly positive reviews from the Steam community, despite the fact that a vast majority of them beg the reader to ignore the game’s title. 

“Insane mix of RPG, Dating Sim, and Kart Racer,” wrote Steam user Penusaur420. “Really fucking stupid name, and that’s coming from me. But please, just play it!” 

Though the reviews make a strong case for BackZone’s triumphant blend of romance, storytelling, sword-fighting and stunt-based racing, no amount of praise could convince you that any game including the phrase Scalawags for Susan could ever suit you. Little did you know, however, had you purchased this game in spite of its title, you would have rediscovered a joy that has eluded you since childhood.

“It was a mistake not to come up with a catchier name,” said Charlotte Lam, lead developer at developer Vengeful Puffin Studios. “The BackZone part makes perfect sense — that’s where the game takes place — but there’s no ‘cyber’ component to the game at all. And we accidentally patched out Susan, so good luck being her scalawag, whatever that means. That’s on us, for sure.”

Sources say that after some deliberation you then decided to play Far Cry 6 just because you recognized the title, wasting precious hours that an alternate version of you could have spent blissfully absorbed in the world of Susan’s scalawags.