July 11, 2017 Climate Scientists Warn That All Super Mario Levels Will Be Underwater by 2025 Climate Scientists Warn That All Super Mario Levels Will Be Underwater by 2025 PARIS — Top climate scientists released a new peer-reviewed research paper today, which warns that all Super Mario stages will become underwater levels within the…
July 10, 2017 Ms. Pac-Man Trying to Cut Back on White Dots for Bikini Season Ms. Pac-Man Trying to Cut Back on White Dots for Bikini Season NEON MAZE — Ms. Pac-Man resigned herself to yet another meal of white dots after an emotionally exhausting afternoon of swimsuit shopping today, according to close…
July 9, 2017 Upcoming Battlefield One DLC Simulates Life of French War Widow Upcoming Battlefield One DLC Simulates Life of French War Widow EA announced a surprise addition to the Battlefield franchise in a press release this morning: a new Battlefield 1 game mode modeled after the lives…
July 8, 2017 John Stockton Still Trying to Make Himself Dunk in NBA Jam John Stockton Still Trying to Make Himself Dunk in NBA Jam SPOKANE, Wash. — Sources revealed today that legendary NBA point guard John Stockton has spent most of his retirement pursuing an elusive goal: making himself…
July 7, 2017 Wounded Iraq War Veteran Cured After Crouching Behind Box For Five Seconds Wounded Iraq War Veteran Cured After Crouching Behind Box For Five Seconds WASHINGTON — The Department of Veteran Affairs revealed a catch-all cure for combat veterans that simply requires them to hide behind a box for five…
July 6, 2017 Marvel Reboots Spider-Man Movie During Your Popcorn and Slushie Run Marvel Reboots Spider-Man Movie During Your Popcorn and Slushie Run NEW YORK — After leaving to buy snacks midway through a screening of Spider-Man: Homecoming, Liam Brewster was shocked to discover that Marvel had already…
July 5, 2017 WWII Board Game Rules More Complicated Than Actual Reasons For WWII WWII Board Game Rules More Complicated Than Actual Reasons For WWII MILWAUKEE — Players of the strategy board game Global Conflict: 1940 are quitting in record numbers after finding the game’s systems to be more intricate…
July 4, 2017 I Get It, I Wouldn’t Play Injustice 2 as Me Either (Guest Column by Captain Cold) I Get It, I Wouldn’t Play Injustice 2 as Me Either (Guest Column by Captain Cold) Looks like there’s a new top ice-themed super-villain around these parts and it ain’t that bucket-head Mr. Freeze. It’s me, Captain Cold, the newest member…
July 3, 2017 Dungeons and Dragons Player Crafts Elaborate Fantasy World Where Parents Respect Him Dungeons and Dragons Player Crafts Elaborate Fantasy World Where Parents Respect Him PITTSBURGH — Local Dungeon Master Tyler Ferrell, being free to imagine worlds wherein literally anything is possible, has designed a fantasy realm that features his…
