March 31, 2021 Report: Guy You’ve Never Heard of Is Creep Report: Guy You’ve Never Heard of Is Creep NEW YORK — Following accusations from several women, some supposedly famous guy you’re just learning about for the first time is a creep, a breaking…
March 28, 2021 Doomguy and Master Chief Embarrassed They Wore the Same Thing to the Office Doomguy and Master Chief Embarrassed They Wore the Same Thing to the Office REDMOND, Wash. — Following Microsoft’s acquisition of Bethesda, new co-workers Master Chief and Doomguy had an awkward first day at the office after realizing they…
March 27, 2021 Gamer Begins Wiki Deep Dive to Catch Up on Series Lore for Splatoon 3 Gamer Begins Wiki Deep Dive to Catch Up on Series Lore for Splatoon 3 CHICAGO — In anticipation of the upcoming 2022 release of Splatoon 3, first-time player Bryan Skritcherson has begun the long process of researching series lore.…
March 25, 2021 Even Conspiracy Theorist Kinda Surprised How Right He’s Been Lately Even Conspiracy Theorist Kinda Surprised How Right He’s Been Lately LAS VEGAS — Conspiracy theorist Andrew Hawkins has recently been taken aback by how much he has gotten right in the last few years, according…
March 25, 2021 Increasingly Loud PS4 Sprouts Propeller and Flies Away Increasingly Loud PS4 Sprouts Propeller and Flies Away TUCSON, Ariz. — A seven year old PlayStation 4 that has been making more and more noise has reportedly grown a propeller and engine system…
March 24, 2021 Professor X Unsure What to Do With Mutant Whose Only Power Is Knowing When a Bob Seger Song Is Playing on Any Classic Rock Radio Station in America Professor X Unsure What to Do With Mutant Whose Only Power Is Knowing When a Bob Seger Song Is Playing on Any Classic Rock Radio Station in America NORTH SALEM, N.Y. — Professor Charles Xavier, headmaster at Charles Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters, is reportedly at a loss as to how to utilize…
March 23, 2021 Inside the Koopa Slaughterhouses That Fuel the Insatiable Kart Racing Industry Inside the Koopa Slaughterhouses That Fuel the Insatiable Kart Racing Industry MUSHROOM KINGDOM — A controversial new investigation into the supply chain buttressing the extremely popular sport of Kart Racing sparked outrage among fans and activists.…
March 22, 2021 Organizers of Martial Arts Tournament Didn’t Say Anything About a Fucking Bear Organizers of Martial Arts Tournament Didn’t Say Anything About a Fucking Bear TOKYO — A former MMA champion officially withdrew from an international martial arts competition yesterday after a brutal mauling from a Japanese brown bear. “I…
March 21, 2021 Frustrated Gamer Looks Up SparkNotes for ‘Disco Elysium’ Frustrated Gamer Looks Up SparkNotes for ‘Disco Elysium’ YOUNGSTOWN, Ohio — Irritated gamer Jack Dubbins recently decided to try and find the SparkNotes for the game Disco Elysium after playing for only five…
