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I know you haven’t seen The Siege of Trenton yet. You had to work the night of the premiere, I get it, don’t worry I won’t spoil anything. This isn’t spoiling anything.

So anyways, the main character is this girl, and she’s very sad because her mom gets murdered (don’t worry that happens in like, the first 5 minutes, maybe 10, so it’s not a spoiler, really) and so she goes to hunt down the pirates who killed her mom.

Oh, right, the pirates.

So yeah, at the beginning of the movie you think it’s in the present day, but then out of nowhere there are these pirates, and you realize it’s actually an alternate reality where pirates took over the world and now they’re in charge. They reveal it in this kickass way, like everything is normal and then BOOM, a cannonball goes through the house and the mom dies, but it’s a super high-tech cannonball, because they’re future pirates. They didn’t show the pirates in the trailer and technically it’s supposed to be a “surprise” or whatever, but there were leaks on 4chan so it was kind of an open secret. You didn’t see that? Well it was out there. Not spoiling anything. Honestly, it’s barely important. 

Anyways, she goes looking for these pirates to avenge her mom, and she ends up joining them. You probably could have seen that coming, since it’s sort of the same plot as Gangs of New York where Leo DiCaprio’s character becomes the protege of the guy who killed his father at the beginning. Oh, you haven’t seen that movie, either? Well it’s not really important, DiCaprio does kill him in the end, with his father’s knife, so he doesn’t really “join” anyway. It’s just a trick.

Actually, though, this movie is different from Gang of New York because (and I’m not spoiling anything here, they kind of telegraph it at the beginning if you’re paying attention) the girl doesn’t kill the pirates. She finds out it was a conspiracy to frame the pirates, but really her long-lost sister actually killed her mother for abandoning her when she was a kid.

That’s why I was telling you about this — because you’re adopted, right? So I thought you’d think it was cool, you know, the parallels. 

But I’ll stop there. Don’t want to spoil anything. You’d love it!