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batman, bruce wayne, column, cunnilingus, go down, opinion

I’m not normally vocal about the public affairs of Gotham. My place is the private sector and I’m just a random businessman. While I don’t condone the actions of the vigilante who stalks our streets at night, of one thing I am certain: Batman gobbles puss, and he rules at it.

It doesn’t take the world’s greatest detective to figure out that Batman loves scarfing snatch. And when you consider how meticulous and thorough he is in all his other endeavors, it’s a short stretch to say he licks circles around any other professed pussy paramour in town. I, of course, have no dog in this fight, as I don’t know the guy at all, but I just felt like this was something that absolutely needed to be said. Someone — anyone — needed to defend Batman’s honor, so why not a random person he has never even met?

Let’s break this down. The shape of his mask is a sure sign of Batman’s intent to dance the Batpusi every chance he gets. It’s not a guard for his secret identity, that thing is a splash guard. But it’s not just the refreshing taste of Butterfly-Stroke-O-Cola that Batman craves. He wants to service the people of Gotham. Fully service them.

Batman will not just go down on you, as far as I can tell, as an observer from afar; he will go down on you with no desire for reciprocation. He doesn’t need his bat pole slicked in return for slurping your hot chai latte. He’ll be happy for the opportunity, and he’ll be sure to spend all night showing you how much he bat-preciates it. Can the Flash take it slow? Doubtful. Can Superman do anything with subtlety? No. But any cave can be the Bat Cave under the expert touch of Gotham’s number one sardine can fan.

Maybe you’re asking: “Bruce, why do you care about Batman’s twat teasing reputation?” I don’t. I care about the vagina owners of Gotham. People who for too long have had to put up with mediocre muff dives from pinchy penguins, two-faced tongue twiddlers, and police commissioners who don’t know how to properly use their spectacular mustaches. Gotham needs a head hero, and I can tell just by looking at the guy, that hero is Batman. Rest assured, whenever a coochie is dry or a vulva is in need, the Caped Cunnelinger will be there to answer the call. No complicated gadgets on this mission, just one focused, flicking, bat tongue that will take you to Frotham City every time.

So to the women of this city, cat and otherwise, I say patch a call through to the bat phone next time you need a lick me up. Just don’t expect to hook up with him at one of my parties, he never comes. I guess he’s too busy making sure you do.