ANAHEIM, Calif. — Nine-year-old Disneyland visitor Kevin Stevens was unsatisfied in his long-anticipated trip to the happiest place on Earth after getting caught up in a 45-minute background speech from an actor dressed as Sora from Kingdom Hearts.
“I thought his key sword was cool, and I wanted his autograph for my booklet, so I asked him who he was,” Stevens said. “He looked like he had been waiting all day for someone to ask him that. This man immediately launched into a long explanation about the Zone of Enders, Riku, Anssem, and Donald Duck. Dude, I’m nine. I asked him if I could leave, and he grabbed my wrist, like really hard, and said ‘not until we defeat Xemnas and the Council of Shadows!’ then started running really fast away. He started talking for what felt like forever, and was foaming at the mouth endlessly monologuing about ‘Birth by Sleep’ or whatever. I cried out for my mommy and he whipped around and accused me of being a ‘Heartless’ and drew his sword on me, until thankfully Buzz Lightyear and Gaston tackled him to the ground and started hitting him really hard. I think he’s done this before.”
The actor playing Sora, Daniel Clemens, gave his side of the story.
“I’m there representing Kingdom Hearts, one of the greatest franchises ever, and this kid thinks he’s better than me,” Clemens said. “I’m sick of the disrespect I get. The actors for Donald and Goofy never acknowledge me in the park, and they pretend like the events of Kingdom Hearts: Melody of Memory never even happened. Like, hello? We went on a ton of epic quests together. They’re acting like they have amnesia. I mean, what is this, the siege on The Castle That Never Was? Sure I was a bit flummoxed by this particular interaction, but like a true Kingdom Hearts fan I remained incredibly vitriolic and immediately defensive to the very end.”
At press time, sources reported that Clemens actually has no official or professional affiliations with Disney, and merely hopped the fence in full costume.