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MELBOURNE, Fla. — With the recent rollout of alcoholic Mountain Dew drinks, local gamer Jacob Wright has been left to wonder what has been getting him shitfaced 24/7 all these years.

“I had my first taste in middle school. By the time I was 20, I was chugging a two-liter of Live Wire before I even got out of bed, downing a few dozen Kickstarts throughout the day—and when I logged into World of Warcraft at night, that’s when I’d whip out the Code Red,” said Wright outside a Taco Bell, sipping from a cup of Baja Blast wrapped in a paper bag. “You’re telling me this stuff doesn’t even have alcohol in it?”

While he was surprised to learn the drink was non-alcoholic, Wright insisted his struggles with substance abuse were no less real.

“This shit ruined my life, man. I spend all my money on Dew because I get the shakes if I don’t have any. I can’t get a job because of that one time I stole a tub of Dark Berry Bash from Applebee’s and drank it all at once. They had to pump my stomach. And you know the sickest part? I would do it again, just to feel that high,” said Wright, licking his lips. “If they don’t put booze in there, I’m not sure I want to know what they do put in there.”

Wright’s former college roommate Vinnie Franklin confirmed that Wright had a serious problem.

“Oh, definitely. All Jacob did freshman year was sit at his desk all day and play WOW. He never got up except to get Taco Bell, which was the only thing he ate because there was one next door. Dropped out a few months into the semester. Dude was a straight-up junkie, for sure,” said Franklin in a phone interview. “But what was that you said about Mountain Dew?”

At press time, Wright had purchased a can of alcoholic Mountain Dew and stashed it, “just in case things ever really go south.”