THE SHRINKING ZONE OF SAFETY — A group of scientists has posited a theory that not only is our civilization in actuality a computer simulation not unlike a battle royale game, but that we should expect a weapon drop very, very soon.
“Oh yeah, the big one’s coming,” said Dr. Lorne Peterson, a meteorologist, about what they feel is the looming wooden box that will soon land somewhere in the world, almost certainly to be filled with valuable resources and devastating weapons. “I won’t bore you with all the science behind it, but tell me you can’t feel it in the air — the escalating conflict, the tightening of resources, etc. One day there’s gonna be 10,000 people with crowbars running towards a giant crate that dropped in Nebraska, and now you’ll know why.”
Many expressed skepticism that the study’s findings could possibly be accurate.
“Wait, so we’re in a battle royale simulation?” said Owen Custer, a homeowner that wasn’t entirely convinced of the group’s findings. “That doesn’t make sense at all. Why was it like one of the last genres of games we came up with then? That being said, I do trust the scientific community and wish more people would these days. That’s why I built the extra five stories on the house, just to be safe up here. Now get off my property.”
While many weren’t certain that the study’s findings could possibly come to fruition, a majority of younger citizens met the news with unwavering enthusiasm.
“Yo, for real? Let’s fuckin’ go!” said Aiden Branch, a 13-year-old Fortnite devotee. “I always hoped this day would come. This is why I quit all the sports teams I was on and instead have just spent the last six months working on my jumps in the garage. Look out, motherfuckers.”
As of press time, Hurricane Fiona, the tropical storm that’s recently engulfed Europe, Asia, and Africa, once again grew in size and has now enveloped South America.