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Star Wars Universe Expanding Slower Than Scientists Initially Thought


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SAN FRANCISCO — A group of scientists have released new findings that reveal that the Star Wars universe is expanding much more slowly than experts had previously predicted.

“We initially thought it was growing much quicker than this, with new films and video games expected every 9 to 15 months,” said lead Box Office researcher Bruce Patton. “What we’re actually experiencing is a much slower, more cautious expansion of the Star Wars universe.”

The controversial new discoveries clash with what many in the fan community have long assumed: that constant growth of the popular series was virtually guaranteed.

“Yeah, I thought we’d be ass-deep in spin offs and open world games by now,” said Kathleen Kennedy, president of Lucasfilm.“But this new data shows that there’s just not the demand we had anticipated. What was once a rich release schedule filled with hope and promise has pretty much just been whittled down to whatever that bounty hunter thing is that Favreau is working on. These are dark times for our galaxy. The one that’s here and right now.”

Following the successful release of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, many scientists began tracking the projected release trajectories of numerous upcoming installments to the franchise, adjusting their hypotheses as prospective release dates came and went. The newly released research confirms what many have long suspected, that diminishing returns and oversaturation have dictated that these future projects will remain shelved until further notice.

“The community is really grappling with understanding the meaning of these discrepancies,” continued Patton. “What we now know is that these future releases were merely theoretical, and that we are actually many more years away from Boba Fett and Obi Wan movies than earlier predictions had stated. And truth be told, if you want a good Star Wars game you probably should just download Knights of the Old Republic. It’s not looking good.”

Following the successful study, Patton has hinted that his next endeavor may be a reassessment of the prequel trilogy for signs of intelligent life that have long been rumored to exist.

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