March 17, 2020 UFC to Introduce Items UFC to Introduce Items LAS VEGAS — UFC president Dana White has announced that certain matches put on by the mixed martial arts promotion will soon feature randomized item…
March 16, 2020 J.J. Abrams Retcons Rian Johnson’s Name to ‘Ryan’ J.J. Abrams Retcons Rian Johnson’s Name to ‘Ryan’ LOS ANGELES — J.J. Abrams has collaborated with authors on a new novelization of Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker that expands the story of…
March 15, 2020 Sesame Street Helps Losers Cope by Introducing Muppet that Sucks Ass at Halo Sesame Street Helps Losers Cope by Introducing Muppet that Sucks Ass at Halo NEW YORK — Sesame Street announced plans to introduce a new Muppet that is absolutely horrendous at the video game Halo, in an effort to…
March 11, 2020 Hayao Miyazaki Releases Annual Schedule of Retirement Announcements Hayao Miyazaki Releases Annual Schedule of Retirement Announcements TOKYO — Acclaimed anime director Hayao Miyazaki has recently released an annual schedule of when he’ll be coming in and out of retirement from his…
March 9, 2020 Dragon Ball Villain Who Can’t Become Final Form Swears This Doesn’t Normally Happen Dragon Ball Villain Who Can’t Become Final Form Swears This Doesn’t Normally Happen NAMEK — Local psychopath and emperor of Universe 7, Frieza, reportedly failed to turn into his final form at a battle yesterday, despite claiming that…
March 9, 2020 New Podcast ‘My Least Favorite Murder’ Discusses Death of Host’s Wife New Podcast ‘My Least Favorite Murder’ Discusses Death of Host’s Wife SIOUX FALLS, S.D. — Capitalizing on the true crime entertainment craze, Clifford Waters has turned his grief over his wife’s murder into fame and cash…
March 7, 2020 Guy With Idea for Video Game Goes on Shark Tank to Ask Mark Cuban If He Knows How to Code Guy With Idea for Video Game Goes on Shark Tank to Ask Mark Cuban If He Knows How to Code LOS ANGELES — Video game idea-developer Steve Harmon appeared on the newest episode of Shark Tank, not to ask for funding for a business, but…
March 6, 2020 Stoner Immediately Forgets Spoiler Stoner Immediately Forgets Spoiler DETROIT — Local pothead Sarah Murphy’s distress after encountering a spoiler of a movie she planned on seeing was immediately relieved after she forgot what…
March 6, 2020 Everyone on Space Flight Murdered by Man’s Emotional Support Xenomorph Everyone on Space Flight Murdered by Man’s Emotional Support Xenomorph SOMEWHERE BETWEEN EARTH AND LV-462 — The Weyland-Yutani Corporation has found themselves under intense scrutiny after a xenomorph alien slaughtered the passengers and crew of…
