April 4, 2020 Psychic Beats Shit Out of Man Counting Tarot Cards Psychic Beats Shit Out of Man Counting Tarot Cards MIAMI — Claiming her client was clearly cheating the fates, local psychic Madame LeMystique beat the shit out of her client, Darrel Hudson, for counting…
April 3, 2020 Inspiring: This Nerd Took to His Balcony to Keep Shouting About ‘The Last Jedi’ Inspiring: This Nerd Took to His Balcony to Keep Shouting About ‘The Last Jedi’ SEATTLE — As a nation shelters inside its homes amidst the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, one opinionated citizen inspired many by taking to his balcony to…
April 1, 2020 Children’s Cartoon Not Reaching Intended Audience of Queer Twenty-Somethings Children’s Cartoon Not Reaching Intended Audience of Queer Twenty-Somethings LOS ANGELES — Creators of the new hit cartoon Starlight Mountain recently expressed disappointment that, despite high ratings among toddlers, their show wasn’t reaching their…
April 1, 2020 Opinion: The Only Way to Defeat Sauron is to Let Him Take Over Your Body and Rule Your City Opinion: The Only Way to Defeat Sauron is to Let Him Take Over Your Body and Rule Your City Let me start this off by saying that I despise Sauron as much as the rest of you. Sauron is a stain on our society…
March 31, 2020 Opinion: Dragon Ball Z Is a Turn-Based Fighting Show Opinion: Dragon Ball Z Is a Turn-Based Fighting Show As television becomes more fractured and confusing in the new decade, it’s important to take a step back and recategorize the different genres in a…
March 31, 2020 Dark Tower Multiverse Technically Allows for World Where Film Adaptation Is Good Dark Tower Multiverse Technically Allows for World Where Film Adaptation Is Good OXFORD, England — Devoted fans of Stephen King’s The Dark Tower series have hypothesized that the multiverse contained in the story’s lore would mean that…
March 30, 2020 Christopher Walken Swears His Fever Is Just for More Cowbell Christopher Walken Swears His Fever Is Just for More Cowbell LOS ANGELES — Actor Christopher Walken announced today that his 102 degree fever was simply for more cowbell and had nothing to do with the…
March 29, 2020 Dad Worried Son Views Weekend Custody as Filler Arc Dad Worried Son Views Weekend Custody as Filler Arc BETHPAGE, N.Y. — After multiple failed attempts at connecting with his son, single father Frank Corbin has reportedly begun to worry that his weekend custody…
March 29, 2020 Bartender Must Cleave Through Groot to Verify His Age Bartender Must Cleave Through Groot to Verify His Age KNOWHERE, T.R. — A bartender at Starlin’s Bar was forced to cut a section of Groot, a beloved Guardian of the Galaxy, in half to…
