Press "Enter" to skip to content

Noble Paladin With Lovingly Written 8-Page Backstory Dies Twenty Minutes Into Adventure


D&D, dnd, dungeons and dragons, paladin, pathfinder, roleplaying, RPG

ST. PAUL, Minn. — First time Dungeons & Dragons player Craig Walcott was shocked when his Half-Elf Paladin, Sur Swenstance Silverheart III, Noble Son of Lord Swenstance Silverheart II, Bearer of the Silverheart Sword and Sworn Foe of Mordrok the Vampire King, died by falling into a simple pit of spikes only 20 feet from the dungeon’s entrance.

The gaming session had been underway for less than half an hour, a mere fraction of the time that Walcott had spent researching, writing, and editing a 4,000 word document detailing the defining moments of Swenstance’s ancestry, birth, childhood, youth, coming of age, ascension to Paladin, and bitter feud with Mordrok the Vampire King. 

“I even crafted a detailed in-universe prophecy about Sur Swenstance becoming the mightiest warrior in all of Al’Katera in dactylic hexameter,” Walcott said. “I guess I can just throw it in the recycling bin now.”

The group’s Dungeon Master was sympathetic to the painstakingly cultivated character’s abrupt demise, but stood by her enforcing of Walcott’s unfortunate dice roll. 

“Look, I don’t control the dice. A nat 1 is a nat 1, even on a Reflex Save,” said Tessa Magaña, the group’s DM. “But if we’re being honest, I wasn’t too stoked about working Mordrok into the campaign setting. I’m going for more of a Magitek Steampunk flavor and feudal vampire barons don’t really work with that. I do admire his commitment, however.”

Another player, Wes Blanchard, was less impressed with Walcott’s dedication to verisimilitude.

“It took 20 minutes to get to that spike pit was because Craig kept finding ways to work his backstory into conversation with every NPC Tessa threw at us,” Blanchard said. “And then after he died, he spent about an hour giving Sir Swenstance’s eulogy, followed a detailed account of the complex funeral rites of the Silverheart Nobility.”

Walcott spent the rest of the session sketching the beginnings of a backstory for Sargo Silverheart, Swenstance’s Bastard Brother and Shame of the Silverheart Family. 

“We’ll have to push the next session by a week in order for me to really polish it,” he told the others. “Also figuring out why Sargo is in the same dungeon will probably add a few days to that. Oh! Maybe Sargo used to work for Mordrok the Vampire King!”

Photo via Flickr

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!