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Guy Attempting to Break Guinness Record for Eating Baseballs Under False Impression That Is a Thing


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NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Local resident Denny Houser has attempted to enter the annals of history by achieving the world record for eating baseballs in 60 minutes, a feat that is tracked by none of the major tracking organizations, confused sources have confirmed. 

“This has all gotten so out of hand,” said Fred Donaldson, a friend of Houser’s. “We were just joking around one day about how Denny gets so hungry he could eat a baseball, and then I forget exactly how the conversation went, but he stormed out saying he would show all of us, and we didn’t think much of it. I figured he just needed to cool off some steam. Then a few days later we all got Facebook invites to whatever the hell this was.”

The event he spoke of was a gathering at the park near his house, where he invited friends and family to come witness his self proclaimed world record attempt at eating 14 baseballs in an hour. 

“Come to my world record attempt!” read the post that was sent to his over 400 Facebook friends. “I’ve long admired both ballplayers and competitive eaters, and I believe I have figured out a way to cement my legacy in both fields! Come to Shelby Park next Saturday at noon, and bring a baseball! (Please note, I will be eating the baseballs.)”

Doctors were concerned with the possible digestive issues posed by consuming as many baseballs as possible in a short amount of time. 

“I can’t imagine anything good would happen if you slowly ate a baseball over the course of a day,” said Dr. Maria Garcia. “Nevermind upwards of a dozen in an hour. Look, I know it sounds crazy when we hear someone ate 100 chicken wings in 5 minutes or something, but the important thing to remember is that it is still food we are talking about in those instances.  Of course I’m here to root him on, but I am afraid of what might happen. If this man achieves what he is setting out to do, he will most likely die.” 

As of press time, Houser had successfully eaten 14 baseballs and died.