Entertainment

Bruce Willis to Portray Asshole in Upcoming Documentary

LOS ANGELES — Famed thespian and total dickhead Bruce Willis will reportedly appear alongside several other interviewees in Good Fellas…

5 years ago

Grim Reaper Not Sure Who to Take After Thousands Proclaim ‘I Am Kirk Douglas’

LOS ANGELES — The immortal god of death, the Grim Reaper, is reportedly frustrated with Kirk Douglas fans claiming to…

5 years ago

R2-D2 Suddenly Remembers Bunch of Cool Shit It Can Do

LOTHAL — Just as he and his friends were almost certainly doomed while trying to escape a secret base of…

5 years ago

Netflix Reportedly Testing New Feature That Just Lets You Say You’ve Seen ‘Ozark’

LOS ANGELES — Netflix programmers are reportedly working on a new feature that lets viewers just say they’ve already seen…

5 years ago

Trolls Fan Suspects DreamWorks Making Troll Dolls Just to Sell Movies

MINNEAPOLIS — Local doll superfan Charley Cover expressed skepticism about the upcoming Dreamworks film Trolls World Tour, claiming that the…

5 years ago

NFL Blitz Simulation Predicts Super Bowl 54 to be Most Violent of All Time

MIAMI GARDENS, Fla. — A group of analysts have simulated this year’s Super Bowl using NFL Blitz for the Nintendo…

5 years ago

I Didn’t Spend 50 Years Breastfeeding Baby Yoda for Some Asshole in Helmet to Get All the Credit

Fifty years is a long time. Almost as long as my nipples after half a century of breastfeeding. Seriously, my…

5 years ago

New Spencer’s Gifts Policy Requires Adults Be Accompanied by 13-Year-Old

EGG HARBOR TOWNSHIP, N.J. — In a sweeping policy change, popular mall retailer Spencer Gifts announced today all shoppers at…

5 years ago

Skynet Sends T-800 Back in Time to Clean Up ‘Terminator’ Timeline

SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. — Burgeoning telecommunications corporation Skynet has sent one of its T-800 model androids back in time to…

5 years ago