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Despondent Man Has Tried Everything to Get Friends to Try Shenmue


TOLEDO, Ohio — Hopeless Shenmue fanatic Peter Hull has reportedly tried everything in his power to get his friends to play the acclaimed and unfinished series, sympathetic but exhausted sources have confirmed.

“All my life I’ve wanted people to experience the emotional thrill ride that is Shenmue, and then to congratulate me on having superior tastes,” said Hull, who has also previously tried and failed to get his friends into similarly impenetrable series such as Kingdom Hearts and Metal Gear Solid. “But now it seems hopeless, I just don’t understand why my friends are so uninterested. I mean I get that Shenmue has had decades between installments and doesn’t really have a clear direction anymore, but don’t they know that you can drive a forklift?”

Hull’s friends say that while they appreciate the thoughtfulness of his recommendations, that they wish he would just take the hint that they are not interested in Shenmue.

“He’s really done it all to get us to play it,” said Kayla Jones, a longtime friend who Hull has been recommending Shenmue to since the year 2000. “I have three different copies of Shenmue, each a gift from Peter, that I have yet to open. Two of them are for the Dreamcast, which I don’t even have. He’s even tried to blackmail me with embarrassing photos to put the pressure on. And don’t even get me started on the money. He’s offered me literally thousands of dollars to get me to play. But I still refuse. There’s something dirty to me about making money playing video games.”

Yu Suzuki, creator of Shenmue, says that he uniquely understands the pain that Peter Hull feels and appreciates his efforts.

“It warms my heart that people are still willing to follow my example by wasting their own money and time focusing on Shenmue. When we launched the Kickstarter for Shenmue 3, people laughed at me and said no one would want to fund another installment of a ‘bloated chore simulator’, but a couple million dollars later, and who’s laughing now? I hope true fans stay excited for the upcoming Kickstarter for Shenmue 4, which by my calculations will bring the story nearly to the halfway mark.”

At press time, Hull has given up on his friends playing Shenmue and instead just told them to play Yakuza 0 instead.