GLENDALE, Ariz. — Players in a recent ranked match of Valorant exclaimed that their random teammate who insta-locked Jett, the most popular character in the game, better be fucking good at it, according to those familiar with the situation.
“I wanted to play Jett, so this guy better fucking absolutely crush it,” said teammate Gabe Hannon. “I checked out his profile to see if he plays a lot, but it’s all in Russian, which either means he’s crazy good or crazy terrible. He’s not on mic, he’s not in the chat, but somehow he’s the highest ranked player in the whole match. No skins, all default weapons and cosmetics, and he stands motionless in the game until the match starts. Good or bad, this guy terrifies me.”
Another teammate, Michael Adoma, also voiced suspicion about the character pick.
“He has 400 ping currently, but somehow he picked his character within a microsecond of the match starting,” Adoma said. “His profile says he has tens of thousands of hours of playtime, but less than an hour on the character he chose. This guy is a total mixed bag. I ran his gamer tag through all the websites and leaderboards and there were zero results, there’s no proof of him existing anywhere. As everyone knows this means either he’s a total beginner player or he’s some mythical deity who exists only to play valorant. ”
The player in question, known only by his gamer tag “Кровавый пастух” which roughly translates to “Blood Shepard,” got on mic only one time to quell his teammates’ concerns with this comment: “I break the red men.”